Line Noise

10.06.2007

Get. A. Life!

Oh for christ's sake. She's been convicted of multiple DUIs. She was sent to prison. She's upset about it. Guess what: hundreds of people go to jail every frickin' day and we don't give a shit if they cry.

Spend your airtime on things that, you know, might actually affect us, like, say, Bush at the G8. Not some spoiled blonde cesspool of venereal disease.

Posted by drlynn at 00:30 | Comments (0)

20.04.2007

L'état c'est cassé.

"People with nowhere to go have decided to speak in the blood of children." - R.B.

Powerful words written by a good friend of mine with a gift for metaphor. They deserve to be reproduced.

I know it's been a few days since the events at VT and I've posted since, but I keep reading what people are saying about why this young man did what he did and I'm finding myself developing and remembering some serious concerns I have about what the "aftermath" might be and the state of things in America.

Some good friends of mine that were creative writing types are justifiably concerned about what parallels might be drawn between this young man and writers everywhere. His prose has been characterized as "dark" and "disturbing", and that is being cited as a "warning sign" of a disturbed mind. Now, I won't deny that crazy people can write some crazy shit, but certainly not everybody that writes crazy shit is crazy. I don't see anyone advocating locking up Thomas Harris; he's certainly not going to go about eating people and that's certainly disturbing writing.

I can only hope that students refuse to censor themselves, refuse to stop exploring "disturbing" themes and ideas out of fear of profiling. I hope that the educators reading this uncensored work are engaged enough with the authors to recognize the true character of their minds.

And that engagement is something that I might say is the single biggest factor that leads to the sort of social isolation that we see in cases like this. It's horrible that in a society that prides itself on the high quality of our educations, lifestyles, and institutions, we are so woefully unconnected with each other.

I had the gift in highschool of a faculty and staff that were engaged with their students and observant of more than just the grades they gave. I suppose we were different, in that we were away from home, but that consciously or unconsciously took on the role of surrogate parents. In a culture that almost encourages absentee parenting, and certainly doesn't shun it, we need to be even more acutely aware that our children are "well adjusted".

I was reading an article on the website of some newspaper and alongside the article was a comment posted by a user. The comment said, [I paraphrase a bit, emphasis mine.] "We should not be so concerned with the man that did this and more concerned with the other students. We taught them to be cowards." I just couldn't believe what I was reading. If anything, we're teaching them to be assholes with little fear of reparation from their actions.

The speaker was right, in that we do need to be concerned with the students. The "loner type" is as much of a result of shunning by his peers as it may be any of his conscious decision. Most "loners" such as this young man, wanted nothing more than to be included. One article cited a former highschool classmate recounting an incident where he was nervous about reading aloud in class, and when requested to do so, was taunted and told to "go back to China." When and how did we develop the idea that this is acceptable behavior?? When I was in middle school I was taunted mercilessly by a group of students. When confronting the administration with that fact and the lack of interference on the behalf of the staff, one administrator said, and I'll never forget it as long as I live, "They're just kids being kids and there's nothing that we can do to stop it."

Now I bet if the actions of these tormentors, both mine and his, were brought to the attention of their parents, they would find the behavior at least somewhat distasteful and make efforts to put a stop to it. I'm not saying that America's parents are all bad parents, it's that they're not being given and they're not seeking out the opportunities to be parents.

Of course, as we see in the aftermath of any major incident carried out by a single individual or group of homogeneous individuals, I'm concerned about profiling of immigrants. This country already has a hard enough time dealing with people that seek to share in its prosperity. Thank god he was here completely legally or the shit-storm would unlike any we've seen for quite a while. I hope I'm not offending anyone when I say this, but white Americans are notoriously bad at identifying the races other than their own and tend to lump related cultures all together as one and the same. (I reference the "Go back to China" comment.)

And, of course, we come to the "violent music and video games" argument. Reporters are fond of pointing out the similarities between some of his images and those of a popular Koren cult movie. And of course reviving the "violent images make violent people" argument. Now, I don't know where I stand on this. The problem with this issue lies in the individual characters of the observers. Some people can maintain that awareness that this != reality, but some are the types that *do* "get desensitized" to it. I've seen types of personalities, mostly male, that see something on a game or movie and think "hey that's cool" and internalize that idea. They eventually develop a mentality and vocabulary full of these violent images. I've SEEN it. This, of course, ties back to parents.

At all serves to make me grateful for the good that came out of my own experiences as a kid and even more grateful for the people around me that supported me and the few friends that I did have and the balancing effect that they had on my life. My heart goes out to the victims of those that died that day, and those that continue to suffer. Even more my voice goes out to those that identify, at least in some part, with the shooter. May you find the hope and compassion that you need before it's too late.

America, I recognize that it's asking a lot, but please be smart and be nice.

Posted by drlynn at 13:11 | Comments (1)

11.03.2007

Public Annoucement

To whoever decided that it would be a good idea to steal my family's minivan on Friday morning:

You are an asshole. There are not enough adjectives to correctly describe your degenerate ass, so I've settled on Asshole.

Because you needed to get your rocks off by stealing a vehicle, and probably using it to traffic drugs, you have dealt a horrible blow to a family that is already stretched near the breaking point. You have stolen, in one fell swoop, not only the livelihood of of one of its members, but much of the hope of all of its members that we might, someday, dig ourselves out and have a fresh start at life.

You are a horrible, horrible human being. I curse the fate the led you to choose, out of a subdivision full of minivans, in a world of people who need to be rocked just a little bit, our van IN OUR DRIVEWAY.

(The one, I might add, parked next to an unlocked Mustang with the keys in the ignition.)

I hate you. I hate you and your degenerate ass. I hope you find yourself someday, prostrate and powerless to some other asshole and you feel regret and remorse for what you've done.

We have no extra income. We have no means to replace what you've taken. We're now in the situation of having to make loan payments for a vehicle we no longer possess and trying to scrape up the means to replace what you've taken.

I hope, for your sake, we never meet. If so, you will definitely live to regret it.

Words cannot express how horribly violated and destroyed we feel right now. We've been in such a bad place for so long. We were finally beginning to feel like we were making some headway, regaining some ground, and then someone steals our damn car. Just gone. Woke up Friday morning and it was gone from our driveway like it had never been there.

I keep hoping that it will just reappear someday soon. That it'll turn out to be some prank gone horribly awry. That we'll get it back and this horrible episode will be behind us. But I know that's probably not going to be the case.

There's a seven day waiting period before we can get any compensation from the insurance company. In that time, they'll pay for a rental car, but it has to come out of pocket and then we're reimbursed for it later. We certainly can't afford that expense, even if we do get it back later because we don't have it now. Thankfully, it sounds like the company that my dad works for has stepped forward to help out, and that's a great thing, but even still....

The money from the insurance company has to go toward the car loan first, and than whatever's left over goes to us. Well, there isn't going to be any leftover. In fact, we're still going to owe money toward the loan. The insurance company only gives you KBB value for the vehicle. Not actually what it would take to get you back on the road again.

Assholes.

For a variety of reasons, I have grown to hate car insurance companies in the past few days. There not in the business of helping people. They're in the business of screwing people and doing only the least the law allows.

(I just found out that my insurance premium is an extra $10 a month because I went TWO DAYS without insurance while I was switching providers. Assholes.)

To top it all off, I know it's not entirely rational, but it's set me completely on edge. I don't feel safe anymore. When I was falling asleep last night, I heard a noise that sounded like it was coming from the garage. Convinced someone was trying to steal another one of our cars, or worse, I armed myself with my knife and stuck out to investigate. Obviously I found nothing, but I was so rattled that I slept with my knife under my pillow and slept fitfully all night.

You don't think it'll happen to you. You hear about thefts and break-ins and it's always somebody else. I'm here to tell you that it can be you.

Please, if you have an auto loan, see if your insurance covers all of your loan in the case your car is totaled or stolen. PLEASE. If it won't, demand it, and if they won't, switch. Don't just assume the insurance will protect you.

Posted by drlynn at 21:43 | Comments (1)

13.01.2007

2006 in review

40 Questions about 2006:

I didn’t do this last year because my blog was down at the time, but I should do it again this year. It’s been a big year. I have to be careful, though, because I know how much my current mood can effect what I think of.

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
Well, I graduated from college. That’s a pretty big thing.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Well, I was very anti-resolution last year, so I didn’t really have any to keep. This year, I am making some, mostly because I’ve noticed myself falling into a lazy pattern, so I’m using them to hopefully kick me out of my stupor.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nope.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Thankfully, no.
5. What countries did you visit?
Didn’t leave the states, unfourtunately.
6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
Financial stability.
7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
11 Mar 06 – my last day as a student at Knox.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Surviving the last of college. Toward the end, I wanted out so bad I was going to burst, but I made it.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Perhaps not getting out on a vacation like I wanted.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Not that I can think of.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Well, I technically bought my new phone in 2006..
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
G.T. She’s stuck with it and things are working out well for her now.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Perhaps my father’s upset me most.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Bills and gas.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
I still can’t stop thinking about the gorgeous room that we had when went up to Timber Ridge. That was so much fun…
16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
OK GO’s “Here it Goes Again” is the first that comes to mind.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Happier, I think.
ii. thinner or fatter? About the same, actually.
iii. richer or poorer? Well, I made more money, and I actually have a savings now, so richer.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Reading, definitely.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Gotten upset about things. I feel like I let things get to me too much.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
As usual, Eve with the E’s family and day with mine.
(Still no question 21)
22. Did you fall in love in 2006?
Over and over again. And I fell in love with my new phone. :)
23. How many one-night stands?
None.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
the new Battlestar Gallactica.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I try not to hate people. I’ve defiantly gotten to dislike so people, but I really don’t care for a few people.
26. What was the best book you read?
Probably The Time Traveller’s Wife it was very good.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Galic Storm
28. What did you want and get?
. A college degree
29. What did you want and not get?
The Perfect Job
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Gosh, I saw so many this year… I can’t think back so far, but I can remember that Zach Braff’s The Last Kiss was really, really good.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 22 and we had a very low-key evening, after all, I had to work that night, but we did go to the bar afterwards.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
moving out.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
I’m continuing to evolve from college hippy to young professional. I like simpler patterns, solids, tailored looks.
34. What kept you sane?
E’s backrubs.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I dunno.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Healthcare’s getting very important.
37. Who did you miss?
A.L. She seems to have no interest in keeping herself in my life.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
Well, I met a bunch of new people this year, but none of them are sticking out to me, per se. I have made a bunch of new connections and networking-type things. And that’s cool.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:
Sleep is important. And I’m getting old and need more of it than I used to.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Goodness, I really can’t think of an answer to this right now. I’ll have to get back to you.

Posted by drlynn at 14:54 | Comments (1)

3.01.2007

Optimism for 2007

So I shared this on my Google Reader thingie, but I wanted to briefly comment on it. The Edge asked 160 of the world's notables what they were looking forward to in 2007 and these are their responses.

I'm not usually one that goes on about glasses and their relative full-ness, but I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one to think that there are things to look forward to in the coming year.

Posted by drlynn at 22:17 | Comments (0)

6.12.2006

Why BSG is not Doomed

Any of you who know me, well, at all really. Have probably heard me ramble at some point or another about my favorite show, Battlestar Galatica. I owe RB the dubious honor of introducing me to the sci-fi crack that is the remake of the campy 70's series. I pledge my allegiance to BSG because it, unlike much of the widely distributed sci-fi that's out there these days, resides in the realm of the grey, the hazy, foggy regions where a character is not immediately identifiable as 'good' or 'bad' and your opinion of them might change completely from one minute to the next. It's the type of show where you can't arm-chair quarterback, because honestly, you're not sure what you would have done either. It's the kind of show that appeals to my need for intellectual content wrapped in a narrative with characters that I don't feel embarrassed to care about.

And it's coming under fire.

I usually try not to respond to fan-blather about media that I find particularly tasteful, however this article denouncing Battlestar Galatica was in a higher profile place than a backwater fan-board and has raised my ire.

Tread not lightly into the extended entry. It's about 1300 words. I kinda got long winded, but I think that's OK. As E pointed out, it's something that I'm passionate about and I don't think I would mind one bit if BSG talk became a regular feature of LineNoise, as long as it keeps the fan-freakiness to a dull roar.

So I'll be the first to admit that last week's episode was definitely non-conventional. For those who didn't watch, but for some reason care about this rant anyway, it took place within the framework of "The Dance" a night of open boxing among the crew of the last human starship to vent frustrations and quell restlessness. Throughout the episode, as the characters fight, the viewers are presented with flashbacks that flesh out and explain actions and relationships that were more or less jumped over in the year that's skipped between seasons two and three. To be completely honest, this sort of show NEEDED to happen. You can't just skip a year when several relationships obviously change and rearrange without some sort of explanation. How can you justify your characters motives when noone knows where the hell they're coming from?

Well, apparently people just don't like it and are hailing it as sign that BSG is doomed. Do I agree? Of course not. Do I agree with some of the things on his list? Yes. Here-in I'll disassemble this "top ten".

10. I was intrigued to learn about a possible prequel series. I'm sure to any of the diehards that might be reading this (RB) that this isn't news, but to me, it's novel and so I'm going to talk about it. The author of the above mentioned article does bring up a good point - how much time can one expect to be devoted to the here and now when the driving forces behind the show are thinking about future prospects? I can't help but draw comparisons to shows with other similarly visionary-driven processes such as The West Wing. They hang on a bit for a while, but eventually become something completely different or stay the exact same thing without innovation within the established world.

9. One of the charms of this series, and its style is its long-arc format. Things don't necessarily tie up in a neat bow every couple of weeks and that's one of the things that makes it so compelling. Not to mention that if you have to solve every problem you create either your problems are going to get less and less interesting or solutions the solutions will be more and more predictable and/or difficult to believe (magic technobabble, anyone?). Our world is full of unknowns and unsolved dramas. I don't believe its too unrealistic to ask us to believe that their world has them too.

8. Oh for crying out loud - where the hell were you for the arc of Starbuck-and-the-baby? This is just wrong. And besides - when people go through significant chages in their lives, they might just chance some of the way that they present themselves, too. Hair for example: how many people cut their hair when they graduate college to prep for the "real world" and how many soldiers let their hair grow when not on active duty?

7. *sigh* Wrong again. How about the subtle development of the relationship between Adama and the President? Or the arc of his relationship with Apollo in the miniseries to where it is now?

6. Wha? Did I miss something? Oh right, that DREAM SEQUENCE. Not part of Baltar's fucked up character AT ALL. While we're on the subject of cylons, however, I would like to add a "Where the hell are the other 6 models of hybrid?" I'm getting kinda tired of pussy-footing around the subject (and honestly, getting kinda tired of the "is this Caprica Six or Nasty Six? Good Sharon or Bad Sharon?" game. I wouldn't mind a little "fleshing out" per-se of the Cylon ranks.

5. Yeah, kinda. But less "campy" than, ok, well maybe it is campy. The whole sterility of it fits with the Cylon half, but not the human half. Certainly they go through an awkward "run into the walls and scratch things" phase too. Oh, and the "I'm going to put my hands in this weird gel and mind-meld with the computer thing"? Kinda lame. But really, we can't have them plugging themselves in every other episode or that would get gross. The ship-human hybrid? Incredibly fascinating and ripe for the picking.

4. No matter how good it gets, you can't forget that it's issue-driven sci-fi and every now and then they're going to hit you over the head with the fact. Get used to it and get over it. But you know what, it's never "this guy gets screwed because they did a bad thing" it's "crap, we don't know what to do hear because it's such a grey area". So you have a bug up your ass about the "this virus kills Cylons" arc. Well, you know what? It's plausible and good story-fodder. And, you know, food for thought.

3. Wha? This may be a sign that the writers have written themselves into a corner and now they have shit or get off the pot, or it could be a way of, as I said earlier, covering the freaking year that they skipped. Just a thought. Personally, making characters richer and filling in those history gaps is OK by my. But only as long as it comes within the framework of advancing the current point in the plot , not just "let's sit around drinking and talking about the past." The thing I liked about last week's episode is that it advanced the relationship between Starbuck and Apollo (if only by making things worse) and changed the attitudes of some of the main characters (the Chief and Adama, particularly.)

2. Ah, but you see, it wasn't his fault. Yeah, but if it was "that guy who's dead now," would we really care? Yet another gray area wherein we don't know if that's the case, but it makes for some good storytelling. Haven't you ever had something less-than-positive happen in your life and wind up blaming yourself for it? From a construction standpoint, it provides continued material for developing Adama's character as well as introducing some much-needed fresh (and human, none-the-less) blood to the small, small fleet.

1. I'm sure there are shippers out there that cream themselves over the thought of Apollo and Starbuck duking it out. Honestly, I don't care. Anytime ANY main characters get together in ANY show there's a contingent that cries "SHIPPERS" and swears it off as "crap." Unlike The X-Files, they're hardly catering to that sector. And here again I come back to my "it's part of life" argument. Granted, the sheer amount of coupling that's gone one lately has even my head spinning, but when you keep in mind circumstances (and the goddamned year for heaven's sakes!) it makes more sense. Do I care for the focus some of the relationship nonsense has taken lately? Not particularly. I would prefer a more "this is the way they are now, we'll explain as we go along" approach, but understanding the demands of television production, logistically, as well as the demands that it places on the actors, I can't blame them for episodes that focus on lower-impact sections of the plot and help the actors, as well as the audience, realize their characters.

Posted by drlynn at 21:29 | Comments (1)

1.11.2006

Wired Ideas

So I'm reading along in last month's Wired (what can I say, I'm a little behind...) and read these articles:

My Big Biofuels Bet
and
The Information Factories

The first is an in-depth look at ethanol technologies. The article discusses its use not only as a motorfuel, but also for producing other forms of energy. In the interest of full disclosure, the article was written by a venture capitalist invested in the technology. But one of the things that I appreciated most about the article, not the fact that he recognizes it as a viable option, but the fact that he raises it not as a destination toward energy independence, but as a stepping stone - something I've been saying for what feels like years.

The second article is about the rise of distributed computing as the M.O. of the large service providers such as Google. Among the many topics of this article is the demand that these giant processing centers make in energy. Both to run the machines and to cool the building from the heat they produce.

Now, if you've hung around me a lot, you've probably heard my rant about how our energy (i.e. power-in-the-wall) infrastructure SUCKS. We produce power at great cost at high voltages in a few locations only to pump it to transformers that downgrade the voltage and re-release all that energy as heat. Not to mention the difficulty of keeping a "grid" that large stable and safe from sabotage. (Anyone remember the big blackout in the Northeast a few years ago?)

Damn my liberal arts education, this all of course, started weaving together in my mind...

So we're developing these new technologies to create greener power with significantly smaller footprints than the massive plants currently in operation. We have huge server farms going into remote locations along the fiber backbones of the internet that are starved for power. What if, instead of running lines out to these places, we take them off the grid for real? How great would it be to produce power in DC as the machines desire it, right where they want it, and reduce the waste extensively. Or even (since almost everything is designed to take in AC and then convert it) produce it in AC, but still right there where you need it most. So you take this fast growing landscape addition and making it cleaner from the get-go.

Companies like Google certainly have the capital to spend a bit more on their brick-and-mortor, and it would be yet another way for them to set a good example for the rest of world. Most importantly, it provides a real-world proving ground for these developing technologies without having to completely redo the existing system.

I just hope somebody's listening.

Posted by drlynn at 21:43 | Comments (0)

12.09.2006

They say MUSLIM = TERRORIST, eh?

Today I recieved a very distressing email forward from a relative of mine. For the past few years my life has been blissfully free of direct involvement with those inflammatory and ignorant folks whose myopic view of the world leads them to condemn an entire culture for the acts of extremist groups. Today that ended.

The original email (obnoxious HTML formatting removed):

CHRISTMAS STAMP

How ironic is this??!! They don't even believe in Christ and they're getting their own Christmas stamp, but don't dream of posting the ten commandments on federal property?

USPS New Stamp

This one is impossible to believe. Scroll down for the text.

If there is only one thing you forward today.....let it
be this!

[Image of Stamp]

REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of PanAm
Flight 103!

REMEMBER the MUSLI M bombing o f the World Trade Center in 1993!

REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the Marine barracks in Lebanon!

REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the military barracks in Saudi Arabia!

REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the American Embassies in Africa!

REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the USS COLE!

REMEMBER the MUSLIM attack on 9/11/2001!

REMEMBER all the AMERICAN lives that were lost in those vicious MUSLIM attacks!

Now the United States Postal Service REMEMBERS and HONORS the EID MUSLIM holiday season with a commemorative first class holiday postage stamp.

REMEMBER to adamantly and vocally BOYCOTT this stamp when purchasing your stamps at the post office.

To use this stamp would be a slap in the face to all those AMERICANS who died at the hands of those whom this stamp honors.

REMEMBER to pass this along to every patriotic AMERICAN you know !

I don't know why this has me so shaken up, but for a while I was angry. Angry and shaken that a member of my family would be of the same mind as these people. It's just an email. She probably doesn't even completely remember what it said, but that she felt it was necessary to hit that forward button and continue to spread these sentiments upsets me in ways that I never would have expected.

I did a little research into this "Christmas Stamp". From what I can tell, this email must have been floating around the internet for years, because the USPS hasn't done any publicity about this stamp since 2002. I can't even tell if this stamp is still made.

I know that some of my loyal readers have dealt with these issues within their families before. I know that I'm probably not going to be able to change her beliefs, if this is the case, but I feel that I have to say something, I must DO something in response to her email. Below is a draft of my response. Please tell me what you think.

[Salutation] -

In the past I have enjoyed recieving occasional emails and updates from you. It means a lot that even though distance separates us, we can stay connected.

However, this latest email forward has me very upset. This email attacks and defames a culture and a group of people with a tradition and history as rich and varied as our own. Placing the blame for the acts of individuals on the religion as a whole is inaccurate and ignornant. Islam teaches a tolerance that we, as Americans, seem to be sorely lacking these days, and I am saddened to see you continue the spread of these sentiments.

There are over six million Muslims living in America today. They pay taxes and mail letters just you and me. Why should Christians (and Jews, for that matter) have stamps celebrating their winter holidays, but not these valued members of society? This is not a "Christmas stamp". This stamp does not honor the terriorists who are responsible for the acts this email names. A quick look into the facts reveals that this stamp is meant to commemorate the end of Ramadan (a month of fasting) and a holiday honoring the prophet Abraham. The very same Abraham of the Old Testament.

The author of this email seems to be caught up in the whirlwind of xenophobic "patriotism" that is sweeping the nation, an epidemic of bold generalizations and irrational statements. I am a patriot; I am proud of our nation and I support our country, but I do not support this sort of intolerance and defamation. Please don't continue to forward me these sorts of emails. They will not find a sympathetic ear.

I love you, and I love hearing from you. I hope everything is going well. Please keep me updated on your goings-on.

Love,
-C

Posted by drlynn at 15:47 | Comments (3)

29.03.2006

the train system

The hub and spoke system really sucks when there's no wheel to roll on... It took me nearly twice as long to get to Galesburg today by train than it would have had I drove, but yet, it was still more convienent because I could work along the way.

What Chicago really needs (and what is supposedly in the works) is a train line that connects the ends (or near ends) of the lines coming out of the city. So one could theoretically take a train from Elburn to Naperville without having to go all the way into downtown - a $10 ride... Add to thatsome more trains at some more convienent times (I have to leave two hours early today because Metra doesn't run a train into the city during the lunch hour.

It's one of the biggest catch-22s - you won't attract the riders you need to justify your existance if you're not as convienent as possible, but you can't afford to do so without the riders. It sucks, that. I wish the transportation gods would just drop a bunch of money on mass transit. Or transporters. That would be OK too.

More personal updates when I'm not so tired.

Posted by drlynn at 01:56 | Comments (3)

9.03.2006

thoughts of the morning

Why is my checkbook off by 77 cents?

Why is it that as soon as my roommate gets in the shower, I have to use the bathroom?

Will they call today?

It's ten degrees colder now than it was at 4am.

AIDS + shiny = vampires (Re: UltraViolet)

I didn't use to think people just sat around on the couch an talked like they do in webcomics. Then I came to college.

Neufchatel is goat cheese, yet amazingly tasty. Who knew? I'd always associated "goat cheese" with "stinky cheese".

Posted by drlynn at 11:36

6.03.2006

the countdown begins

Started reading Questionable Content this weekend. Good stuff. I've decided that when I have a few spare moments to procrastinate, I'm going to add a webcomics roll to this site. How else can we spread the word about the cool stuff that we read?

I wouldn't let myself start an offical countdown until the days were in the single digits, because it would only serve as a point of fixation and aggravation for my senioritis. Now that there are 7 days left, I think it's OK. In a way, now, it's sorta calming. I took one of my favorite photos from Starved Rock this summer and overlayed a countdown. A winding wooded path, dappled sunlight and devoid of people. Tranquil.

Small progress is being made on the Shakespeare paper (the last of my college career.) I now have a sense of the issues that I want to explore. I now need to read another of my secondary sources and the play itself in light of my readings. My intention is to have everything done by Thursday night. According to the current weather forecast, it's supposed to be in the high 50s on Friday. It would be just perfect if I were more or less done that day and could play in the sun.

This coming week is going to be full of a lot of "last" things. Such as today, my last Studio changeover. Not a weepy/sad event, but certainly a thoughtful one. I find myself wanting to pass on my key ring in person to my sucessor. It would mean a lot to me to be able to do it that way. I know that won't fly by Security, but, what can I say, the stewardship that goes along with those keys, while not significant in size, is certainly a very personal and significant thing. It's time for me to pass it on and I'm OK with that.

As E pointed out to me this evening, though this week may be full of lasts, the coming weeks will be filled with firsts. And I'm ok with that too, even if I am scared shitless.

I often wonder how he feels about all this. I know that I would probably find myself reliving my own experiences. I would probably loathe doing that too, and I don't know that I could completely keep it from flavoring how I felt about the other person at the time. Of course, that memory is always flavored by time and experience, for better and for worse. I know that sometimes I must seem so... little to him. Understandable, since I am, after all, but I tend to pride myself on trying to be mature. Nevertheless, I'm being a whiny bitch sometimes; I just hope he understands.

My mind's been fixated a lot lately on what my life could be like in a couple of months/years. Of course, he's a large factor in a very positive, secure and warm fuzzy domestic sort of way. (Discussion of this sort of thing seems to make him uncomfortable, so I try not to mention it. It usually escapes at some point in our conversations as a whiny "I miss you".) It's difficult now for me to think about the nuances of Henry V when I'm waiting to hear back about jobs, contemplating the direction of my career, living situations, and struggling with this overwhelming desire to be completely independant as soon as possible. His presence is a reassuring, stable thing. It's a bit of security in this current sea of uncertainty. (And whoo-boy am I melodramatic tonight.) I just hope it's not too much pressure for either one of us. Is it selfish that I miss so badly being held?

I can't shake the feeling that I'm overreacting; that I am making a much bigger deal out of this than I should. It's so hard, though, to get an objective opinion. My peers are here too, but not really as they've still got a term; younger friends don't understand it quite the same way because they're not nearly so close; and older friends are mellowed by time, so to speak. I'm used to having a guage by which I can judge myself, but I don't really have one here, and I don't really even have like experiences to compare it to. I guess this is one of those firsts.

*sigh* It's now 3:30 am and I still have class tomorrow morning, so I'll stop rambling for now.

Posted by drlynn at 02:33 | Comments (2)

21.02.2006

what dreams may come

So I don't usually remember my dreams. At least, not during the school year. I've always associtated that with the fact that I sleep so little and so hard, that waking up is a jarring experience. Anyway, I chronicle them here mostly for my own future reference, as I often have reoccuring or prophetic dreams, and they're interesting to look back on.

Despite that, I've had three very vivid dreams in the past few days. The first was Friday - I had a dream that I thought I was late for As You Like It strike, so I was running around crazily trying to get ready to go. E and A were there (I don't think R was my flatmate anymore). The apartment was laid out a little differently, such that you could get to the hallway from the closet (heavens knows where the bathroom went.) I, in my frenzy, was running around wearing nothing but a red plaid Catholic school-girl type skirt, trying to find something that matched it. Why I would think it was a good idea to wear this to strike, I've no idea, but E certainly took advantage of my mostly bare bottom with a well placed smack. Of course, a few minutes into this, someone said "Isn't strike on Sunday" to which I responded "yes...." "Today's Saturday." "oh." and the dream ended with someone I don't recognize, who was a friend hanging out with us, laughing her ass off at me. *sigh* a bit of anxiety, maybe?

The second dream was a bit of a stress dream, too, I think. It was also Friday - I dreamed that a few days into the run of As You Like It Craig had decided to rent a bunch of equipment and add it to the show. Among the acquisitions were a moving head automated of some sort, an Expression, and some more shiny things, the exact nature of which escapes me now. The dream was mostly us setting up and programming the show into the new board. We had to get help from M, a sophomore and someone who, as far as I know, has no console programming experience. SO what does this all mean? I suspect it's a reflection of my feelings of inadquacy brought about from the realization that I know jack about modern lighting control systems. Erp. What the hell kind of ME will I be when I don't know what the fuck I'm doing? yeah I can organize and hang, but I can't run the thing worth a damn. *growl*

The last was short and just kinda weird - I believe it was Saturday night, so it might have been alcohol-induced. I was running around an amusement park that has been seen in my dreams before. I don't belive that this part actually exists in real life, which is probably a good thing, because it's sprawling and hard to navigate. Apparently my mother (I believe) and some other people, the identities of whom I don't recall, and I were running around the park looking for a particular electronics store. Along the way we wound up in the lecture hall (yes, apparently an amusement park has a lecture hall) and ran into Doc Bob, who was waiting for a lecture series to start (that apparently conflicted schedule-wise with some other lectures he wanted to attend.) We were trying to find an exit and wound up in an off-limits basement area that should have been the backstage, left, and continued to wander around the park.

Well, if you've read this far, you're probably feeling a little dumber. Thanks for reading, anyway. If you have any great insight on to the meaning of all of this, let me know. :)

Posted by drlynn at 01:02 | Comments (1)

5.08.2005

person, place, and thing

I've always associated events and feelings closely with the places of their occurance. Just this evening, standing in the parking lot of the movie theatre where we usally go, in the section of the lot where we usally park, I was a bit over-come by the memories of that place. It's generally not an obessive sort of feeling, but more one akin to "if these walls could talk" sort of sentiment. That said, certain things certainly stick harder than others, places of significant events in particular.

It was an interesting experience, earlier this week, going to Milwaukee and visiting the place that certainly helped shape E and influence who he is. It's undeniable that one afternoon's walk can't encompass 4 years of experience, but it does help me feel a little closer at least. I now have places to associate with stories, at least in part.

(I get the same sort of feeling at historical sites, famous places, but it's not quite the same, not nearly as personal. This is more of a feeling awe and curiosity.)

Sometimes I'll pass by a place, and it'll remind of me of something that happened there - a minute or two a thoughtfullness generally being the result. It certainly doesn't help that I'm very sentimental, and becoming increasingly so, it seems (although I have no idea why.) Am I crazy? Am I the only person who does this? Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one who thinks of these sorts of things...

Posted by drlynn at 02:07 | Comments (1)

25.06.2005

sotd

So a long time ago, in a school far, far away (ok, well, not that far.) I sang this song at a Pseudo. I finally got around to burning a copy of Jagged Little Pill so that I can listen to it in my car, listened to it today, and remembered how awesome that album really is. It's crazy and kinda cool to think that she recorded this album at about my age. Could I do that? Dunno.

As usual, inspired by actual events....

"Head Over Feet" by Alanis Morissette

I had no choice but to hear you
You stated your case time and again
I thought about it

You treat me like I'm a princess
I'm not used to liking that

You ask how my day was

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole
You're so much braver than I gave you credit for
That's not lip service

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience

You're the best listener that I've ever met
You're my best friend
Best friend with benefits
What took me so long?

I've never felt this healthy before
I've never wanted something rational

I am aware now
I am aware now

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault...

Posted by drlynn at 01:38

27.03.2005

why I don't like watching TV

In one of those "a-HA" moments that often comes along with a liberal arts education, I had a revelation last night as to one reason why I don't like watching TV. Earlier in the day I was reading an article for Senior Seminar that sought to define theatre/drama as an art form and gave much weight to the 'suspension of disbelief.' Later that evening, as I was reading The High Price of Materialism and he mentioned television advertisements, it clicked into place.

I don't like watching TV because of the ads. It's more than just the fact that they're loud and usually stupid. I want my viewing experiences (be it TV, movies, or theatre) to maintain my suspension of disbelief. Television advertisements not only break the flow of the programs containing them, but they often speak to the audience directly. Direct address of the audience makes them extremely-self aware (a fact that advertisers know well and theatre practitioners often forget.) It makes the audience uncomfortable and interferes with return to the imersion state.

I don't like to be pulled in and out of a story. This is why I like TiVo-ed things. This is why I like movies, and "classical" presentation in theatre. I'm one of those people who works best with an idea when I deal with it first as something remote and unrelated to me. Only when its presentation to me is finished, am I ready to deal with it on a personal level. Now that I think about it, I've actually 'felt' this before, like a switch being thrown - that "woah" moment when it's over and it hits me.

I guess this also explains why I sometimes get really bothered by people talking during movies and shows, and why it REALLY pisses me off when someone's phone rings or something similar during a play or movie.

So I guess it's not so much the advertisements themselves, so much as the nature of the advertisements. If they weren't so blaring and direct, I could perhaps handle them a bit better. Similarly, this can explain why I prefer plot-driven, narritive, shows to documentaries, news programs, and their kin. My intention when watching TV is temporary escape and enrichment (if that makes any sense at all.) Let me be, damnit.

There are other reasons that I don't like TV, that don't have much to do with my watching it or lack there-of. Some of you may have heard me speil before, but they're irrelavant here, so I'll leave that for another time.

Posted by drlynn at 14:15

Sunday Morning

Maroon 5 - "Sunday Morning"

Sunday morning, rain is falling
Steal some covers, share some skin
Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable
You twist to fit the mold that I am in

But things just get so crazy, living life gets hard to do
And I would gladly hit the road, get up and go if I knew
That someday it would lead me back to you
That someday it would lead me back to you

That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on Sunday morning
And I never want to leave

Fingers trace your every outline
Paint a picture with my hands
Back and forth we sway like branches in a storm
Change the weather, still together when it ends

That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on Sunday morning
And I never want to leave

But things just get so crazy, living life gets hard to do
Sunday morning, rain is falling and I'm calling out to you
Singing someday it'll bring me back to you
Find a way to bring myself back home to you

And you may not know
That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on Sunday morning

Posted by drlynn at 13:33

26.03.2005

"The Sun"

As it's been stuck in my head all day, I think this warrants "sotd" status as well as classification as a Rumination, as it relates to my changing perceptions and feelings.

Here (in excerpt) Maroon 5's "The Sun":

"But I cannot forget
Refuse to regret
So glad I met you
Take my breath away
Make everyday
Worth all of the pain that I have
Gone through
And mama I've been cryin'
Cause things ain't how they used to be
She said the battle is almost won
And we're only several miles from the sun"

I said it earlier today, and I really mean it: I think this album (Songs about Jane) is one of the best musical investments I've made in a while.

Posted by drlynn at 20:52

2.03.2005

godblogging

There's a whole net community, self named "Godbloggers," my only connection to which is through my good friend C. Today he posted a parable that really hits on the faith that I have, and resonates strongly in reflection on contemporary American society. It has more to do with the /works/ of a person than the /words/ of a person. It emphasizes intent. Read, think, respond if you like.

Posted by drlynn at 18:20

thinky

I know I've mentioned this before, but I really love "Miss You" by Incubus. It's one of those songs that's just... right.

Posted by drlynn at 00:37

15.02.2005

Happy VD

While I still think it's yet another over-commercialized holiday, I do like Valentine's Day a whole lot. But maybe that's because I haven't spent one single in, ah, 6 years or so...? Anyway, that aside, I really do think it can be a good day for everyone, if you take to make it so. A day to remind people how much you care about them, how much you enjoy your time spent with them, and how much they mean to you. They don't even have to be SO's. My parents send me a little care package every year (this year's contained fuzzy socks with hearts on them, chocolate and SWEDISH FISH. They really do love me! *melodramatic swoon*) and I usually make a point of sending notes to the people I care about. This year, I'll admit, I was really bad about it and only one got written, but I do love you all and appreciate your never-ending support and understanding as I bumble my way through life.

So I hope you all took today as a good excuse to have some good food, eat a little candy, and tell the people you care about how much they mean to you.

And thank you for the roses. They're beautiful.

Posted by drlynn at 00:27

29.01.2005

*swoon*

So I'm a hopeless romantic, sentimentalist, and disgustingly lovesick. What do I do about it? Fuel the fire and listen to Norah Jones, of course...

"The Nearness of You"

Why do I just wither and forget all resistance
When you and your magic pass by
My heart’s in a dither dear
When you’re at a distance
But when you are near, oh my...

Its not the pale moon that excites me
That thrills and delights me,
Oh no, it's just the nearness of you

It isn’t your sweet conversation
That brings this sensation,
Oh no, it's just the nearness of you

When you’re in my arms
And I feel you so close to me
All my wildest dreams
Came true

I need no soft lights to enchant me
If you’ll only grant me
The right
To hold you ever so tight
And to feel in the night
The nearness of you.

I guess today's just a music-heavy day...

Posted by drlynn at 22:47

sotm?

"Falling For The First Time" - Barenaked Ladies

I'm so cool, too bad I'm a loser
I'm so smart, too bad I can't get anything figured out
I'm so brave, too bad I'm a baby
I'm so fly, that's probably why it
Feels just like I'm falling for the first time

I'm so green, it's really amazing
I'm so clean, too bad I can't get all the dirt off of me.
I'm so sane, it's driving me crazy
It's so strange, I can't believe it
Feels just like I'm falling for the first time

Anyone perfect must be lying, anything easy has its cost
Anyone plain can be lovely, anyone loved can be lost
What if I lost my direction? What if I lost sense of time?
What if I nursed this infection? Maybe the worst is behind
It feels just like I'm falling for the first time
It feels just like I'm falling for the first time

I'm so chill, no wonder it's freezing
I'm so still, I just can't keep my fingers out of anything
I'm so thrilled to finally be failing
I'm so done, turn me over cause it
Feels just like I'm falling for the first time

Anything plain can be lovely, anything loved can be lost
Maybe I lost my direction, what if our love is the cost?
Anyone perfect must be lying, anything easy has its cost
Anyone plain can be lovely, anyone loved can be lost
What if I lost my direction? What if I lost sense of time?
What if I nursed this infection? Maybe the worst is behind

Posted by drlynn at 16:08

28.01.2005

nostalgia strikes again

Listened to what is generally my oldest and most random playlist last night/this morning. Right before I went to bed, the Foo Fighter's "Learn to Fly" came on, a song that was really popular my sophomore year of highschool (and first year at IMSA) - now I'm all nostalgic...

"Run and tell all of the angels
This could take all night
Think I need a devil to help me get things right
Hook me up a new revolution
Cause this one is a lie
We sat around laughing and watched the last one die
I'm looking to the sky to save me
Looking for a sign of life
Looking for something to help me burn out bright
I'm looking for a complication
Looking cause I'm tired of lying
Make my way back home when I learn to fly
I think I'm done nursing the patience
I can wait one night
I'd give it all away if you give me one last try
We'll live happily ever trapped if you just save my life
Run and tell the angels that everything is alright
I'm looking to the sky to save me
Looking for a sign of life
Looking for something to help me burn out bright
I'm looking for a complication
Looking cause I'm tired of trying
Make my way back home when I learn to fly
Make my way back home when I learn to
Fly along with me, I can't quite make it alone
Try and make this life my own
Fly along with me, I can't quite make it alone
Try and make this life my own
I'm looking to the sky to save me
Looking for a sign of life
Looking for something to help me burn out bright
I'm looking for a complication
Looking cause I'm tired of trying
Make my way back home when I learn to
I'm looking to the sky to save me
Looking for a sign of life
Looking for something to help me burn out bright
I'm looking for a complication
Looking cause I'm tired of trying
Make my way back home when I learn to fly
Make my way back home when I learn to fly
Make my way back home when I learn to, learn to, learn to"

Posted by drlynn at 08:44

24.01.2005

rediscovered music

I love rediscovering music I love. Today's rediscovery: Jars of Clay (I just ignore the "christian" part of their genre... )

Fear is keeping time with the beating of my heart
Doin' way too much thinkin'
And it's tearing me apart
But I, I feel you reach for me... - "Hand"

Funny how that works...

Posted by drlynn at 23:05

23.01.2005

new love is harder than no love

(I was up until 4am writing last night. I couldn't get to sleep so I wrote until I fell asleep. This is some of the result. )

It comes with so many of its own challenges and sometimes I have trouble coping with them. New love is tenuous - so many things held in the balance as you get to know each other. Time spent apart feels wasted because the new emotion is so pre-occupying. Being overcome with the desire to know everything you can about the other person makes everyday tasks bothersome. Until that desire is near met everything's up in the air. Uncertainty comes hand-in-hand with new love. The drive to please and share is strong. I don't want to screw anything up - the moment's so perfect, I don't want to lose it.

Discovering the other is magnificent. There's nothing like it in the world. When you're lucky, you never stop discovering. Only when new love transitions into long love, do you really recoginize those moments. Until then, they're nervous and uncertain, but beautiful none-the-less.

Long love is different, more comfortable for sure, but often not as exciting (which is fine if that's what you want.) Old love must be tinged always with new, however, for anything to last.

New love often leaves you speechless. When all you can think to say is an affirmation that yes, I do love you, it's hard not to feel like a broken record. You're filled with this overwhelming new sensation - it's awe-inspiring in the most literal sense, and it can overwhelm so easily. But sometimes, that's the only thing that needs said. I love you so much it aches.

New love brings with it the heights of happiness and the depths of lonliness - felt all the more strongly the closer you get. So please understand when I cry, when I pout, and when I won't hang up the phone. New love's got me caught firmly in its grasp, and even thought it hurts so much sometimes, I hope it'll never let go.

Posted by drlynn at 20:37

6.01.2005

sotd

From "Happy in the Meantime" by Lit
(don't think the entire song applies, but I like this....)

I've gotta make up for losin' time
Cuz I've been spinnin' my wheels all night
And I can't wait
Can't hardly wait to see you
Things seem better off now
I think I'm better off now

It's just another reason why
It all comes down to you and I
Just have another drink
Waste some time with me

Posted by drlynn at 22:31

3.01.2005

Reflections on 2004

I did this last year, because I thought it was interesting. I do it again this year not only because it's interesting, but also because a lot has changed this year and I'm curious to see how it compares.

40 Questions about 2004:

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
Rep Term. A REAL gig in Chicago.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I'm not sure if this counts, because it's always a resolution, but I did lose weight. I've also gotten in much better touch with myself, and if it wasn't one, it should have been.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nope.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Someone very close to someone close to me. It was hard.

5. What countries did you visit?
alas, only the good 'ole U.S. of A. this year

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
Better control of my willpower, the ability to say "No" to certain things.

7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
October 9 - the day i finally did it

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
a better understanding of myself. continued acidemic achievement despite it

9. What was your biggest failure?
continued lack of drive in getting certain things done. not handling the events of October the best

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
yep. got sick. maimed myself often

11. What was the best thing you bought?
honestly?
some of the gifts I got for other people. making them happy made me happiest

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
K.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
R. and J.

14. Where did most of your money go?
down the drain. But that's OK.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
E.

16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
Oh, this is hard. Probably "Let's get retarted" by the Black Eyed Peas

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier
ii. thinner or fatter? thinner
iii. richer or poorer? richer in some ways, poorer in others. Money-wise? about even.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
physical activity. hanging out with people.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
stressing about knox theatre-related situations.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
this year was spent meeting the extended family and learning about some cool traditions then partaking in my own of laziness

(Where's question 21???)

22. Did you fall in love in 2004?
YES. Oh yes. And blissfully no longer unrequited.

23. How many one-night stands?
None. I'm not really into that sort of thing.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
I watched very very little tv, but the Daily Show and West Wing are the only shows I made a point to watch.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I don't hate people. Hate implies an active dislike. I really dislike someone that I got to know this year, but I don't think about this person when she's not around.

26. What was the best book you read?
I.... didn't read enough. I liked Darwin's Children because it got me so riled and was so well-written, but I'm probably saying that because it's the only one I can think of right now.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Natalie Imbruglia and 311

28. What did you want and get?
Some stability.

29. What did you want and not get?
A new phone. An apartment.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Hero. AMAZING visuals.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was at Knox. Didn't do much of anything really. Turned 20.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I don't know. I'm pretty happy with where I am right now. If I have to say something, then "confidence in the future."

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
I'm pulling off "employable" pretty well and liking it.

34. What kept you sane?
Someone that I could talk to. Having someone who understands my passions and my conflicts.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Drew Barrymore. I always forget how cute she is.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The election. Really. And all the bullshit surrounding it.

37. Who did you miss?
M.C.-R. My extended family.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
I've met a bunch of new people lately, and I like all of them a lot, so I can't really say.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004:
Balance. I need balance. But I also need release. I can't spend all of my time on one thing.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"If I hadn't made me, I'dve fallen apart by now.
I won't let em' make me, it's more than I can allow.
So when I make me, I won't be paper-mache.
And if I fuck me...I'll fuck me in my own way.
You should make amends with you.
If only for better health.
But if you really want to live,
why not try and Make Yourself?"

Posted by drlynn at 00:53

26.12.2004

happy holidays

I hope everyone had a pleasant Christmas holiday. Mine was certainly the most enjoyable I've had in a good long while.

The next holiday hurdle is New Year's and forgive me for saying that I want it to take a long time in coming.

Posted by drlynn at 12:32

25.11.2004

sotd

well, everything but the last verse. It adds a depressing note.

311 - "Beyond the Gray Sky"

It is a gift I know
A moment of bliss that we hold
A firecracker flash of light then on
To the next plane soul remain
Come along if you dare
It's gonna be that you're scared
Lovely life I thank you
For the reason to see the pain through

Light a candle for the dead
The wick is burning returning what we have
It's who we are
We'll reach you if you're beyond the furthest star

Don't give up the fight to stay alive and even if
you have to
Find the reason of another's pain if they lose you
If not for your self then those around who care
like I do
One day you'll see the clear blue

Beyond the Gray Sky
Light a candle...
The wick...
It's who we are...

One day you'll see the clear blue
Beyond the Gray Sky

I can't believe you didn't call
What made you want to end it all
Wasn't there something I should have tried
To help you see beyond the gray sky

Posted by drlynn at 23:36 | Comments (1)

24.11.2004

lotd

"You've got to trust your instincts
and let go of regrets..."

Posted by drlynn at 00:00

8.11.2004

Passion/Passionate

I am evermore only motivated to do that about which I am passionate. When I have
a passion for what I'm doing, it shows. I get up early, stay up late, and work
my ass off in between. In contrast, I've been late to my first class about 75%
of the time so far this term. Classes/Grades themselves have failed to be enough
to get me moving anymore, it seems. The work itself has to be its own reward. An
example: I have this paper to write. I could really not care less about it. I
don't want to do it and the thought of making myself do it makes my insides turn;
for the same class, however, I also have a project due after this paper that I'm
really excited about and that is much futher along than said paper because it's
interesting, strongly related to what I love to do, and more worthwhile.

I've manged for a dozen years or so to be motivated by school itself. "School is
my job" I used to say, and went nose to the grindstone. I've nearly killed
(probably literally) myself for school and been passionate about it. For the
past few months, slowly growing in intensity, I've had this disconcerting
unsettled feeling. I've been unable to concentrate for whole days at a time. I
went home this weekend partially with the intent to 're-set' so to speak, and
come back ready to get back to work and round out this term. What I really came
back to was strange moodswings, meloncholy, and the above realization.

This is going to make the next year and a half very interesting.

Unless, of course, I can manage to rediscover that lost motivation. School just
isn't "my job" anymore. I have a job, friends, and passions that suddenly mean a
lot more to me than 2400 words on the evolution of dramatic conventions from
1800 to 1930.

All of this has made me feel like crap. There's still a part of me that cares,
and it's fighting valiantly and furiously with the rest of me. A little
something, deep down inside flips and twists at the thought of not graduating
Magna Cum Laude. (yes, I'm that close) Then I think about the thousands of
people who don't and... *sigh* that's really all I can do to manifest this
termoil so that's been my away message for a while this evening.

I was sprawled on my bed this evening, thinking about all this, and fell asleep.
Six hours later my body considered the night over, and now here I am, wide awake
at 4am. Which, of course, serves only to piss me off just that much more.
Adding insult to injury, I woke up basically just in time to watch E sign off
for the night. That aches for more reasons than I think I can name.

All I can do is lie on the floor, stare at the ceiling, and listen to Mad
Season.

Posted by drlynn at 04:46

4.11.2004

Yep.

"Because if some old lady in Kansas can get out of her house to vote out of
some nebulous fear about gays taking over the country, a college student ought
to be able to put down the PS2 controller and vote out of very real concerns
about the world he or she will enter after graduation." -C.T.

Posted by drlynn at 09:47 | Comments (3)

3.11.2004

Remember November

Well, it's over. I can't say that I'm terribly suprised by the outcome, but
again I am amazed with the piss-poor implementation of democracy in America. The
system is bloated, disorganized, and increasingly geared toward uncertainty,
infammatory remarks and up-to-the-minute media coverage.

It's disgusting.

We say that "every vote counts" but in reality, it's just not so. Thousands of
votes from citizens of all states have not and will never be counted because
"they don't appear to affect final counts." Counting processes are ridden with
opportunity for human and machine error (some say the MoE's as high as 3% - that
could have swung a couple states last night...)

I think we need to get over this "must know now" attitude FAST and develop a
more accurate system. It may take a week to know who won. Sure. But I would
rather be more confident in the end. Definately not feeling it right now.

Only 10% of voters between 18 and 24 voted yesterday.
The same percentage
as last year.

Posted by drlynn at 13:35 | Comments (2)

14.10.2004

sotd(m?y?d?)

I knew I liked this song for a reason....

"Wondering"
Good Charlotte

If you want me to wait
I would wait for you
If you tell me to stay
I would stay right through
If you don't wanna say
Anything at all
I'm happy wondering

Go!

Yeah, yeah

Since I was a young man
I never was a frontman
I never had a plan and no security then
Ever since I met you
I never could forget you
I only get you right here next to me

Cause everybody (a-whoa-oh-oh)
Needs someone that they can trust in
And you're somebody (a-whoa-oh-oh)
That I found just in time

If you want me to wait
I would wait for you
If you tell me to stay
I would stay right through
If you don't wanna say
Anything at all
I'm happy wondering

Now my life is changing
It's always rearranging
Always gettin' stranger than I thought it ever could
Ever since I found you
I wanna be around you
I wanna get down to the point that I need you

Cause everybody (a-whoa-oh-oh)
Needs someone that they can trust in
And you're somebody (a-whoa-oh-oh)
That I found just in time

If you want me to wait
I would wait for you
If you tell me to stay
I would stay right through
If you don't wanna say
Anything at all
I'm happy wondering

Go!

Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah

Don't tell me
The bad news
Don't tell me anything at all
Just tell me
That you need me
And stay right here with me

If you want me to wait
I would wait for you
If you tell me to stay
I would stay right through
If you don't wanna say
Anything at all
I'm happy wondering

If you want me to wait
I would wait for you
If you tell me to stay
I would stay right through
If you don't wanna say
Anything at all
I'm happy wondering

Posted by drlynn at 03:28 | Comments (1)

20.06.2004

sucking the brains of millions of americans

I hate television. That's not to say that I don't love certain television
programs, but I HATE television. As I sat watching an episode of Star Trek:
Deep Space Nine* the other day, it occured to me that I was neglecting other
things, like food and my chores, to sit in front of this glowing box. I passed
it off as being engrossed in such a wonderfully written episode (and it was
wonderfully written) but I'm finding that that's not the cause.

Today I found myself sitting down in front of the TV again, this time as a way
to occupy my eyes while eating my dinner. (Reading doesn't work so well when I
have to keep setting it down/taking my eyes away.) When I finished my meal, I
found myself just sitting and staring. Even when whatever it was that I wanted
to watch was over, and some stupid sit-com came on, I sat tranfixed. I was
thinking the entire time about how I should doing things like puting my dishes
away, updating this thing, finishing my unpacking, but I didn't move from my
seat. TV had made me stupid.

Part of me actually wanted to stay and watch that tripe. Why? I cannot say. Its
much harder to work up the will-power I guess, when all you have to fight is
yourself. It's certainly not helped by the fact that most of the evening time in
my house is filled with television. Most of the dinner-eating is done in front
of the TV, the evening time when Dad reads the paper and such is done in front
of the TV. I don't want to watch TV. I don't need to watch yet another history
channel program on midevil castles. I want to read my book. That's certainly
something that I can't do in front of the TV. I've tried, but no matter how
stupid the program may be, I can't concentrate. This leaves me with a dilemma.
Leave and neglect my 'family time' or stay and be most unproductive?

*sigh* and so I ramble on, when really, what I mean to say is that the solution
to my problem is TiVo. Record what I want to watch, watch it, then walk away.

What about the rest of the world? Well, I think that I'm one of the sorts of
people that watches TV for the content, the stories and the ideas. I think there
are a lot of people in the world that watch for the social (vicarious and
literal) aspects of it. It seems to me that it's the latter aspects, and their
primary carrier: the sit-com (followed closely by the reality show) that makes
people so sluggish (myself included). I'm saddened to think that there could be
fantastic artisans, engineers, writers, or civic leaders out there, unknowing,
because they've been spoiling in front of the TV. (Don't even get me started on
computer and console games...)

Thank you for sticking with me this far, those of you still reading. I suppose
this turned in to nothing but a rant with the general thesis "TV is bad." I
can't deny that, but I wish I could do something more than whine about it. I
suppose that the first step is to affect the world around me. Maybe tonight,
while Dad's reading the paper, I'll ask him to turn the TV off. Maybe you should
too.

* I used to be a Star Trek freak. After not being exposed to it for about three
years, I've returned to a point where I can enjoy watching it, appreciate the
writing and story-telling and only every now and then wish I lived in that 25th
century.

Posted by drlynn at 23:17

4.06.2004

wedding bells? you must be dreamin'...

I just woke up from a very... interesting... dream that's left me with a very
strange feeling. I'll spare you the details (one of the most detailed I've had
in a while.)

I was getting married. Because we'd been at school, (and they were paying for
it,) his mother and my mother (mostly) planned the wedding. It was the day of
and I was just finding out the all-important details like what the invitations
looked like (adorable! like old books with "classical" cats. perfect.) what my
bridesmaids were wearing... etc.

It took me a long time to get ready because I had several dresses (two of which
were reversable?) to choose from. Since I knew the 'color' of the wedding was a
soft blue, I went with one that fit. By the time that I got everything on, I was
running late for my own wedding. I ran through the building (I think we were
getting married in a highschool with a couple gyms - each party had one to get
ready and the wedding was in the third - kinda like IMSA, actually... creepy)
and got there just in time to walk down the isle (which was off center, and that
really bothered me.) As I got to the front, I realized that Kyle was late too,
so I didn't feel so bad.

As things got started, I didn't recognize the presiding minister, so I started
to get really nervous. I acquired a program and, reading though it, realized
that this was a very, very religious (and long) ceremony that had been planned.
Not at all what I would want my wedding to be about. That, combined with all
the stresses of the day so far sent me crying, then running, from the "church"
around a bunch of corners to collapse in a stairwell.

The only person to come find me was H. H. (of all people) and we talked about
what was bothering me and what we could do about it. We realized that she, with
a couple of our friends, could run a beautiful, more secular ceremony. Feeling
better, we parted - she to explain what would be happening, that we were going
to do this again the right way, and me back to my "dressing room" to put myself
together better than I had been before the run there and the run back out. Then
I woke up.

Emotions in dreams have always perplexed me. I sometimes dream things that I
would never feel in real life and I sometimes dream things that are so true to
what I feel that it's scary. The emotions in this dream are so strong that I
don't know what I feel about them. I mean, I was elated, estatic, completely
happy about the idea of getting married. I felt as much love for him as I ever
have and I was just... bursting at the seams. While I can understand why I would
dream about a wedding (C and S and all) why would I dream about my
wedding? Is this really what I feel? I find it funny that it would come about
after K'd upset me last night, though.

I just... wow. I feel so strange. Happy, but perplexed.

Posted by drlynn at 12:09 | Comments (1)

26.05.2004

strangeness

I feel really strange right now. I'm working on the final project for D's perl class and I'm not... intimidated by it anymore. I feel like I should be, but really, I think I get it. My primary feeling is one of just wanting to be done. I want to be able to focus on the website. I want to pack. I want to finish my GD/EP project (which I will post in PDF form when completed,) but I know that if I do that, I'll spend too much time on it and never get D's finished. So I'm
waiting until I'm done with D's or it's late Thursday night whichever comes first) to wrap that up, so it doesn't screw me elsewhere. Talk about knowing yourself.

But really, I just feel... strange. Good, I guess. Not stressed terribly, not freaking out, certainly, but not completely at-ease. Numb. I don't think I will be until I know the next week's going to play out and I'm done.

That said, back to my work.

Posted by drlynn at 22:08 | Comments (1)

14.05.2004

This evening

So everyone decided to schedule stuff this weekend, specifically, TONIGHT. I had
to make a choice as to what to do, and I decided that I would go the dance
concert since I was personally invited to it on numerous occasions and then hop
back to CFA to see what was left of the Improv show that J and D put togther.

I have to say, I am very glad I went to the dance concert. I see a lot of
potential in the dancers and coregraphers. In particular, I liked the pieces put
together by L. I think they were wonderfully dynamic, and they'd certainly be
interesting to work with as a designer. It's clear that she likes her pieces to
speak, and I think as soon as she can find a good balance with that, her pieces
will be fantastic. The again, maybe I'm just a sucker for re-mixed techno and
pointe.

There were a few other pieces that interested me as well. In a modern-based
program, it's refreshing to see different styles, even if they are a form of
modern. The opening of the second half was a hip-hop number that I found myself
wishing was longer. Bouncy and generally fun, it was a nice choice to get
people to focus again. The last piece was a swing number, and I have to say, it
was the best performance swing I've seen in a while. Usually it just seems campy
in a staged setting, but the arrangement lent itself to some moments of
interaction and story-telling. Makes me miss the days of swinging in the old caf
with L.H. and the gang....

Post dance concert was improv. I wish I'd gotten to see more of it. From what I
gathered, it's a sort of "devised" (for those of you who know what that was) but
more improv. This evening's wound up being a bit of a downer, but impressively
acted on all counts.

I never did make it to the Choir concert, but that's ok, cuz I got the hookup
and can at least get a recording. Not quite the same, but it'll last longer!

I've procrastinated long enough. Time to be an LD again...

Posted by drlynn at 23:28

12.03.2004

End of an Experience

There's something surreal to knowing that you've just completed a "once in a
lifetime" experience. So many times during this term I wanted to be home with my
kitties or sleeping (oh, so much wasted on that endevor,) but I wasn't
and I couldn't. At times I hated it, honestly. I got sick of being in CFA, I got
sick of some people, but I still found myself sitting with them at meals and
hanging out with them in my spare time. Why? I'm not entirely sure, to be
completely honest. I think, as much as I wanted to it end, I didn't want it to
be over. It really was an interesting experience, not so much as they made it
out to be, but valuable none-the-less. Do I think that Rep Term has changed me?
Not so much, no. For me, Rep Term was an affermation of the fact that I really
do want to be doing this sort of stuff for a living. That I willingly carried my
ass over to that building every day and enjoyed (almost) every minute of it says
a lot. I also learned a bit about myself, how I work with people, how I work for
myself, and what exactly it is about the things that I enjoy doing that I like
so much and what it is about them that I could really do without. I'm excited
about the work that we've done this term. We were told that we were what the
faculty considered to be the best Rep company yet. I don't know what I think
about that, but I do know that even the aspects of the productions that I didn't
really care for were, in the grand scheme of things, professionally done and
truely something to be proud of. Complete stranges have come up to me and said
"excellent work!" That really does give you the warm-fuzzies sometimes.

Outside of academics, Rep Term has allowed me the oppertunity to get to know
several people much better and I am oh-so-grateful for that oppertunity. I don't
know that I would have reached out to them otherwise, and now I don't know what
my life would be like without their friendship. I've also gotten to know friends
and collegues even better and garnered a better understanding of my coworkers
personalities and abilities.

This term has given me the idea that maybe a term in Chicago would be pretty
cool afterall. I wasn't thrilled with the ACM Chicago arts program, but perhaps
a term at a school downtown? I don't know if schools do "local exchange"
programs, but that would be pretty spiffy. That said, I really do miss the
people that I didn't see nearly as often as I'd used to. I glad that this is
only a term and that I can reconnect with them and how they're doing. I can only
hope they'll understand where I've been for the past 10 weeks. :P

I'm home for spring break now and I am definately looking forward to a chance to
relax. I've been offered a chance to work at IMSA for some time this week and
I'm glad for it. It does take away from the time that I have to plow through my
reading list (one down, 6 to go,) but I honestly haven't been the best about
money this term and I find myself needing things that I just don't have the cash
for. I feel decadent wanting to spend $90 on a pair of sandals, but if you knew
how comfortable and durable they are... *sigh* I do sound decadent, don't I? I
just... I really like my Birkenstocks...

Well. Since I am home, I have two kitties that I need to be attending to.
(They've gotten so big!!) Goodnight, all.

Posted by drlynn at 19:11

3.03.2004

Do the Primaries Matter Anymore?

I would say yes. Although the outcome might not change, I feel it is important that we let the Conventioneers know our opinions. I'm still going to vote. (I'm even going though the hassle of absentee ballot!)

That said, now that Dean and Edwards have both "dropped out" (to a lesser or greater extent,) we're left concluding that the leader all along, Kerry, is likely to get the nomination. I was hesitant to support him initially because of his... wanting political presence, but he seems to be a man of similar convictions (about as on-the-fence as I can be sometime, so I can't knock that.) Chris at Progressive Protestant pointed
out this
article in The Nation about Kerry's history. Reading it, it encouraged me to investigate a bit and I'll be comfortable voting for him in November.

I had a great conclusion to this, but then I got distracted and forgot. Feh.

So in conclusion: VOTE!

Yeah.

Posted by drlynn at 12:48 | Comments (1)

29.02.2004

Leap Day

As silly as I think it is that we are forced to have such a thing as "Leap Day"
because of the inaccuracy of our chosen calendar, I do see it as an interesting
thing in and of itself. Almost like New Year's, but even more so in the
"pondering possibilities" realm.

How did you spend your Leap Day? I spent my researching ancient Greek art for my
presentation tomorrow.

What were you doing four years ago today? What were your plans? What did you
want to do with yourself? How is that different now?

I myself, four years ago, was a sophomore at href="http://www.imsa.edu">IMSA. My first year there, I was still coming
into my own in my community. I was untrue to myself in a lot of ways, and was
just starting to realize that i could let go and be myself around these people.
I do believe that at this point I still wanted to be an astrophysicist. We were
in full swing working on Twelfth Night and I hadn't yet caught the
theatre bug (but I was getting there.) K and I had only been togther a little
over two months and we already knew that there was something more there than
just teenage admiration. I hadn't yet been exposed to the idea that I won't
ever know everything and was quite... uncultured.

Now I'd like to think that I've done a lot of growing. I'm sure of my short term
goals and fairly sure of my still-short-but-relatively-long term goals. I don't
know anything sure about my long-long term goals. I know that there is more to
literature than Star Trek novels, but I now know how to enjoy them. I know more
of who I am and more of who I want to be. I know that I will never feel old
enough at the same I know that I will never feel my age. I know that you really
shouldn't work a job on each end of Randall Road, but I know that I'm going to
do it anyway. I know that I really do need to get a reciept when using an ATM
and that text books are way too expensive. I know that some people find me
attractive and I still don't understand it, but at the same time, I still don't
really know what I find attractive in other people. I know that I have a lot of
growing to do.

What do you know?

Posted by drlynn at 23:43

7.02.2004

Me and my Body

So I wrote this paper a few weeks ago for my movement class about my
relationship with my body. I didn't really care for it or the assignment, but a few people have read it and said nice things about it. I still think it's kinda silly/stupid, but I'll share anyways. L suggested I start it with, "My body and I broke up...." so here goes...

My body and I broke up a few years ago. I blamed a lot on my body when it didn't deserve it. I didn't want to be around it. I thought it was the root of my social problems. I was unfair to my body after all that it had been through. A very long time ago, when we were both young, my body started attacking itself. We were able to save it, in whole and in part, but it's been less-than-healthy since. I have to pay attention to what I feed my body and I have to take medications to nourish my body.

Every few months I try to get back in touch with my body by starting a healthier diet and an exercise routine. My body usually doesn't appreciate the additional work and usually within a few weeks, we're barely on speaking terms. Each day we have a confrontation, my body and I. I get out of bed, I look to the left and there it is: the mirror. This is my body's chance to get even for the slouching,
the potato chips and the late nights. I am reminded of how I neglect my body. This is revenge, and the disappointment I taste is bitter. It's been this way most of my life, it and I. I don't think about it as it actually is. It feels smaller until I look in the mirror or step on a scale. I wish it away; I wish it taller, leaner, neater, and different.

Through all this, I try to think about my body as little as possible. I have some problems with my body, but in the end, my body is part of me and I have come to accept it. In fact, there are parts of my body that one might think I want to replace, but I don't. These parts are part of me. They have shaped me as I have grown and they have been there for me when I needed them the most. My arms turn the pages when I learn. My legs carry me for place to place. My fingers and mouth help me communicate thoughts and idea and hope and fears and wishes and dreams. As far as things are concerned, I count myself blessed to be able to move without pain and not worry about 'my bad ____'.

Even though, my body makes it hard for me to find clothes that fit, in which I feel comfortable and in which I am comfortable with people seeing me. I wanted to hide my body for a long time, dressing in big, baggy clothes and trying to ignore the shape I didn't want to have. Now that I speak to my body a bit more, I feel that I should respect myself and my body and dress in clothes that are nice, clean and flattering, even if they're aren't the latest style.

My body likes moving and stretching. My body likes the feel of the wind rushing by my ears, the rhythmic thud of feet to the pavement. We just don't do it enough to be able to do it for long. My body likes swimming, pulling the water past me in smooth, fluid, strokes. My body likes the subtle soreness of a job well done, the feeling of achievement. My body likes running four laps today, when last week I could only run two. My body doesn't like being caught by exercise unawares. My body likes regularity, if only I could find it.

Some days I am fearful that my body might start to attack itself, and me, again. Because of this, I try to enjoy every day that I have as I am, while I am healthy. No one knows much about what causes my body to do what it does. I have to trust my body to support me, otherwise I could spend my whole life worrying about it. I have to be careful with my decisions; what I do to my body could have effects no one could predict. My body should be able to trust me to support it.

In reality, I am in awe of my body. So many systems, working together, letting me move and talk and run and play. My senses processing many different types of stimulus, telling me about the world around me. My skeleton, giving me structure, my muscles holding it together, my nerves the signal wires, keeping it all connected. To think that it's all run on small chemical signals and microscopic cell interaction, each cell with its purpose; it's amazing to think that, at one point in my life, I was a little babe, and before that, a bundle of cells with so much potential.

I'm hoping to use this term as a jumping-off point for, once and for all, fulfilling my physical potential, getting my body in a condition in which I'm healthiest, and finally feeling comfortable in a bathing suit. It's going to take a lot of hard work and scheduling, but I think that the business and tightly scheduled term that it is working out to be alright will only benefit from the occasional stress-release that a workout can bring. It needs to become a habit, and I think it can be, starting now.

Posted by drlynn at 21:47 | Comments (3)

21.01.2004

State of the Union

Yet again, I have to say, "They call it the State of the Union for a
reason, asshole." While it's more than true that the state of international
affairs has a significant effect on domestics, I don't feel that we need to be
spending half of a (too short) speech dwelling on what is covered constantly in
the news. Now is the time to be addressing the problems here at home and
discussing proposed solutions. It really angered me that so much time was spent
on the Middle East and then later in the speech many reforms were proposed
without a single word of explaination. Yes, we need to work on medicare, but how?
etc etc

His "our economy is so great" really rankles me. We ARE NOT as good as we have
been; things may slowly be getting better, but not at the rate he seems to think
they are. The simple fact of the matter is that tax cuts to the rich DO NOT
work. Trickle down DOES NOT work. CEOs and CFOs are too greedy to let it happen.
Although the tax cuts for the "poor" (ie middle and lower classes) may be giving
back a small net amount of money, almost ALL of that money will go right back
into the economy through consumer spending. If ten times that amount is given
back to the rich, even less of it will go back into the economy; people will
just sit on it. The rich's money is better spent in taxes than sitting in bank
accounts.

Bring back the death tax. The "poor" aren't affected by it so touting it as
saving average Americans money is BS.

I agree that the "marriage penalty" should be dropped, it was a silly idea to
begin with, and it'll encourage people to get married. However, how does that
interact with his "sanctity of marriage" rhetoric? Couldn't it potentially
encourage people to get married for monitary reasons and further deface his
precious institution?

Speaking of which, DOMA never should have been signed in the first place. It is
NOT the place of the government to define marriage! It is the place of the
goverment to provide support and resources to married people, but NOT to say who
can be married! It may be true that "the majority of Americans don't want gays
to get married." That's fine. They can think that. They also need to realize
that there's a BIG difference between "getting married" and "getting a civil
union." Marriage is something that is dictated by a religion or social structure.
The civil union, what is the most immeninet need, is the legal abilty to combine
finances, get spousal benefits, and next of kin rights for couples. But gays
getting civil unions has no direct negative effect on America and only positive
implications for the economy. (Combined incomes means more extra money and the
ability to co-sign means buying houses, cars, etc etc.) Please get it straight.

Don't even get me started on the "abstinance is the only answer" stuff. I think
we have a responsibilty to teach the youth of America what their options are for
protecting themselves and their health. You can educate without condoning.
What's next? "We're not going to tell you how to protect your house from
burgulary because you might go rob someone?" '

I can't help but think that if he actually read the letter that the
little girl wrote him, he wouldn't have mis-read the teleprompter. Not quite as
shady as the administration sending fake letters from GIs in Iraq to newspapers,
but shady non-the-less.

Boy, I've really run out of steam. I think I'm callin' it quits. Night all.

Posted by drlynn at 23:25

31.12.2003

Reflections on 2003

A nice quiet new year spent at home with the family. Hard at work on my
monologues... *rolls eyes*

The extended entry is a brief survey, looking back on 2003. I thought it was pretty neat not stupid like they usually are.

40 Questions about 2003:

1. What did you do in 2003 that you'd never done before?
A few things. The first that comes to mind is "kissed a girl" second thing that comes to mind is "going on vacation without my parents"

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't remember making any last year, so I don't remember breaking them; I do plan on making some for 2004.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
I'd like to think that J is close. :)

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, thank heavens.

5. What countries did you visit?
I didn't leave the US this year, but I have been to France, England, Canada and Denmark in the past.

6. What would you like to have in 2004 that you lacked in 2003?
Better health. It's sad how very little endurance I have.

7. What date from 2003 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
September 17 - the date of the fire

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Definately getting an A in lighting design and making the dean's list that term.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Hrm. I dunno. Probably my fitness routine. Yeah, defiantely my fitness routine.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Not that I know of. No, I take that back. I had the flu pretty bad in Feb.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
You're making me choose between my iPod and my Sharp Acticus AV18P??

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My parents - they're letting me grow up and I really appreciate it.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
L.

14. Where did most of your money go?
The above mentioned iPod and computer.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
A whole lot of things, happily.

16. What song will always remind you of 2003?
Something from Norah Jones's recent album or something from Smash Mouth...

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Happier, by far
ii. thinner or fatter? Slightly fatter, frustratingly
iii. richer or poorer? poorer, much poorer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Talking. Walking. Reading. Lots more reading.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Thinking/dreaming about a certain person; while fun, most unproductive.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
At home, on the couch, with my family.

(Where's question 21???)

22. Did you fall in love in 2003?
YES. Oh yes. Unrequited (it seems,) unfourtunately.

23. How many one-night stands?
None. I'm not really into that sort of thing.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
I watched very very little tv, but the Daily Show and West Wing are the only
shows I made a point to watch.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I don't hate people. Hate implies an active dislike. I can't tolerate the presence of someone that I could last year, but I don't think about this person when she's not around.

26. What was the best book you read?
Whew, I don't remember. I really should make a list of these things. Lately, it was _Shadow Puppets_ - deeper than I thought it would be.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Norah Jones. SUCH a voice. Secondly, Jimmy Eat world.

28. What did you want and get?
I wanted to work in a theatre over the summer and I did.

29. What did you want and not get?
I wanted the unattainable. Too often. I also want to see the Earth from space.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Chicago. AMAZING visuals.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I... don't remember. It was my 19th birthday. I was home the weekend before. I think I had classes and work that day.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I know it sounds petty, but losing weight. I need to feel healthier than I do right now.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2003?
At the beginning/middle of the year: slob; now: I'm trying for "employable" neat, clean

34. What kept you sane?
My single. Lots of sleep.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
It's a draw between Liv Tyler and Orlando Bloom in The Lord of the Rings movies.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Was and still is civil unions for same-sex couples. To be brief, screw Iraq.

37. Who did you miss?
M. and Jolie.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Whew. I've met many new people. A or E?

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2003:
Chris would call it something like "following your call" and he's right. I've learned that I need to be doing what really thrills me, what I really want to do.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"Another turning point/ a fork stuck in the road."
"And in your eyes I see
what's on my mind
You've got me wild
turned around inside"

Posted by drlynn at 23:59 | Comments (1)

24.12.2003

too much of a good thing

The ACLU is currently backing a Rhode Island woman who is suing her town for
violation of the separtation of church and state and for first amendment
violations.

The Providence Journal's artcle on the issue
(registration required)
href="http://www.aclu.org/ReligiousLiberty/ReligiousLiberty.cfm?ID=14625&c=29">
The ACLU's statement

The first thing that I can think to say is, "GET A LIFE!"

At length, what I want to say is that here the ACLU has gone too far. First of
all, there are more winter holidays than the J-C ones. Just because noone in the
town has put up a festive display, doesn't make it discrimitory against them. If
they had tried and been denied, then THAT would be a different story. plus, if
you're going to be threatened by the presence of a religous symbol that is not
your own, then you must not be very secure in your religion. I think it's a
great idea, to allow the people of the town to celebrate their winter holidays
together.

Second of all, maybe I'm obtuse, but I don't see any first amendment violations.
The mayor of the town asking that the decorations are apporiate is only
reasonable. Without saying something, people could decide that life-size
playboy models in santa hats would make a good holiday decoration. It may be
allowed by freedom of speech, but it's certainly not in good taste.

well, I had more steam, but I spent it all babbling about it this morning with
my parents. It's almost christmas, anyway. Time to be all nestled snug in my
couch. (hey, I don't have a bed)

(oh, and enjoy the pretty calendar snowflake - unintentional, I swear.)

Posted by drlynn at 23:33

10.12.2003

nice...

... fell asleep listening to the sound of the rain last night. mmmm....

Posted by drlynn at 18:20

19.11.2003

The Nazi's had flair they made the Jews wear...

I've been reading sections of Mein Kampf for history this evening. I've
come across a couple of gems I would like to point out. It's amazing to me how,
although we are so far removed from the rabid anti-semitism and nationalistic
frenzy that was the Nazi party, some of the same sort of arguments and tone of
voice are heard today.

For example:

"A Volkish state must therefore begin by raising marriage from the level of a continuous defilement of the race, and give it the consecration of an institution which is called upon to produce images of the Lord and not monstrosities halfway between man and ape. "

While in this passage he's discussing marriage between gentiles and Jews, the
argument that he's using sounds to me a lot like arguments used today in
opposition to gay marriages. ("Marriage Protection Week" anyone?) This is why I
am so scared by what passing around in politics these days. While I'm not a very
religious person myself, I do realize the importance of a person's religious
convictions in their morals and values. I think it's stupid to think that we can
have a political state completely seperate from the influences religion. I do
think, however, that if we can't sepertate the two and continue making policies
based on the religions tenents themselves, we can only lead ourselves into
trouble.

Religion, as I've percieved, is primarily concerned with solid, unchanging facts,
Revelations, if you will, that are taken, discussed, but in the end, remain
mostly the same. (Yes, I know a lot of discussion and change goes on in
religious communities, but most often not at the most basic levels. I'm open to
discussion on the subject; enlighten me.) Government, on the other hand, deals
directly with the people, who are most certainly not steady, certain forces, and
while they look to religion to provide them a steady guiding force in their life,
they expect their government to reflect them and grow and change with their
culture. If the majority of the population has no problem with homosexuals
damning themselves by getting married, it is NOT the place of the goverment to
step in and "save" the homosexuals denying them the rights provided to
hetrosexual marriages. At the same time, I think we need to be careful confusing
"civil unions" and "marriage." You can be married in the eyes of the church and
unrelated in the eyes of the government and you can be married in the eyes of
the goverment and unrelated in the eyes of the church. It's important that we
not mingle the two too closely. "Do you *really* think that gays don't have the
rights to share income and property with their partners the way that straights
do, or is what you really take issue with the idea of recoginzing their love and
devotion as equal to yours?"

ANYWAY. If you're reading this, you probably agree with me anyway, so I'll move
on.

The other quote of interest falls into the "He's right, but he's a dick," column
(thank you Mr. Jon Stewart.)

"It would be more in keeping with the intention of the noblest man in this world if our two Christian churches, instead of annoying Negroes with missions which they neither desire nor undertstand, would kindly, but in all seriousness, teach our European humanity that where parents are not healthy it is a deed pleasing to God to take pity on a poor little healthy orphan child and give him father and mother,than themselves to give birth to a sick child who will only bring unhappiness and suffering on himself and the rest of the world."

While I don't necessarily argree with why he's saying what he's saying
(that the unhealthy are lesser beings and don't deserve to exist, tainting the
Aryan blood, or that Negroes "don't understand" Aryan missionaries,) I do agree
with some of what he's wanting to say. This is a really beefy quote here,
dealing with two issues on which I feel very strongly, and often conflictedly.
(If "conflictedly" were a word...")

The first is the idea of evangelism. I have never, EVER liked the idea of going
door to door, waking people up in the morning to tell them that they need to be
saved, and to be saved they need to convert. I do agree with the idea of sharing
your ideas and encouraging people to look outside their every day experinces to
views that would not necessarily occur to them. All through middle and early
highschool (not since my transition to IMSA, as I have been generally removed
from that sort of enviroment,) I was asked, almost every day if I had Jesus in
my heart, if I was saved. Not only was this annoying, it made me very
uncomfortable, if irrationally, feeling as though I might thought of as lesser
than her, that my opinions and beliefs were pitiable. This is the point where href="http://www.polyglut.net">Chris will start in about Christian marketing.
It's my belief that if people are truely concerned about the spritual life of
others, than they need to look to themselves and their neighbors who claim to be
following the same beliefs, they should seek to enrich their beliefs and faith,
live by example, and leave the "heathens" to enrich their own beliefs. Share
knowledge by education, not by force. "We're not going to show you how to grow
food and build houses unless you pick up a Bible."

(At this point in time, Chris gave me a back massage, and I COMPELTELY lost my
train of thought, so I move on to my next point, being adoption/birth
control/evolution as a species/etc.)

The basic idea that he's getting across is that if you're probably going to
bring unhealthy children into the world, that you shouldn't have children.
(Don't ask me how this relates to early detection of birth defects and abortion,
I have no idea yet. Ok, you can ask, but don't expect me to have well supported
and cited opinions.) I agree, honestly, as an "unhealthy" child. myself. That's
not to say that I don't value my life, but I do respect my parent's hesitation
to bring another child into the world after what they went through with me.
There are perfectly happy, healthy children throughout the world that need homes
and families. I find it... here I'm tempted almost to say "abhorrent"... that
people who can't have kids on their own spend thousands of dollars on fertility
treatments resulting in three or four kids at a time. I understand the appeal of
wanting kids that are "theirs" but something in my head is screaming "if you
can't have kids on your own, that's EVOLUTION people," sending those genes back
into the gene pool is scary.

My wisdom teeth keep reminding me of this idea. Modern dentistry has removed the
need for people to grow another set of molars in their teens. We keep our teeth
now. We are interfering and pulling these extra teeth, the gene would be
selected against by evolution and people would no longer grow them. That's the
idea, anyway. Now I'm not saying that people who have wisdom teeth shouldn't be
allowed to reproduce, but I am saying that we are effectively stopping, if not
reversing the process of evolution on humans. This isn't a good thing. People
are already showing weaker immune systems and the rampant use of antibiotics is
not helping this at all. I will fight my cold on my own, thank you.

Even if you don't think of adoption in biological or evolutionary terms, (which
does have it's own risks, reference Volkish thought,) there already are all of
these children in the world, why can't you care for them? What makes them any
less lovable? Not only does it work in terms of population control, but it seems
to me to provide more oppertunities for international community building
(through over-seas adoption) as well as alleviating the strain put on the
economy to support these children. All too often, however, I see people who want
to adopt only adopting "perfect babies" and are not willing to consider adopting
the "tough cases" that are older or not perfectly healthy. (Many children aren't
adopted simply because they have a treatable illiness such as diabetes.)
Ethically, I just don't think it's right to spend that much money and effort to
bring a child into the world when so many are already here.
Politically/philosophically, I don't feel that I have the right to stand in
their way, I just hope they throughly consider the options and realize the
potential ramifications of their actions.

Wow. This has been really long. Thank you for reading it. It is at this point
that I decide "fuck it, I'm done for tonight," post, and go to bed. Well, at
least back to my room.

Posted by drlynn at 02:56

9.11.2003

the Album

Is the album a dying art form? (By "album" I mean a group of songs ordered
specifically and released together.) I was reading an article about it a while
back that got me thinking (sorry I don't remember where.) With services like
iTunes and this new Napster pay service, when you can pick and choose one song
at a time, does it banish the uncertainty of "the first listen," having just
torn the shink-wrap off the latest album from your favorite band or a young
upstart?

I've always found that some of my favorite music is not the remixed radio edits
I'm bombarded with, but the companion tracks, oft-forgotten gems of the same
album. The example that readily comes to mind is that of Smash Mouth's Fush
Yu Mang. While it doens't quite fit, as the radio-release ("Walking on the
Sun") is also great, if not over-played, the boys of Smash Mouth also slipped in
very different, yet equally great songs such as "Nervous in the Alley," "Flo"
and "Fallen Horses" that I might never have thought to download were they not
connected in some way.

In addition to marketing and efficiency, there exists the idea that through the
selection and ordering of a set of tracks, an artist can say more than each song
individually. Rob Dougan has certainly made the effort, his use of "Pause" (a
short track of Silence) and the inclusion of "Prelude" as an introduction to
Furious Angels shows thought to something bigger than "just getting it
out there," something I feel is missing from more and more music now-a-days.

I'm glad that a few of these new sites seem to have features that allow you to
buya whole album at a time, but I can't help to wonder if, seeing the slow
release of a song at a time might to be too inviting to the musicians of today;
an alternative to the hetic and often trying process of writing and recording a
group of songs at a time.

That's also not to say that the album is a perfect art form. I certainly don't
like "Pacifc Coast Party" stuck between its betters on Smash Mouth or the
second version of "You Are my Number One" on Get the Picture?.

Maybe I'm reading too much into it. It seems to me that the album indicates a
dedication to the work, persistance and patience. I never use the "shuffle"
feature on my CD player.

What do you think?

Posted by drlynn at 23:21

3.11.2003

feminism in art

(This rant-like thing is in response to an article about "feminist art"
distributed by my drawing prof the other day. I think you get an idea of what I
thought of it. Sorry for all the flowerly language. I'm feeling metaphorical
today.)

I�ve never cared much for feminists. More than any other group, they seem to
make mountains out of mole hills and generalize far more than they should.
Because of this, I take issue with the assertions of Rosemary Betterton. She
takes issue with the common practice of using female nudes as the subjects for
art, seeing it as a subjugating and male-serving ideal. On page 220 for example,
Betterton admits that she cannot assume how other women think of art, she
implies that, �knowing feminism� they would see the way she does.* To me this
means that, unless it�s explicitly pointed out and explicated, most would not
see what she sees. In a court of law, that would be called �leading the witness�
and is very much frowned upon. I, being female and aware of the feminist ideas,
have yet to look at the work of classical artists and go �Wow! That�s
subjugation!� unless that was the artist�s intent. I certainly don�t feel that
admiring the female body is an act of dominance or subjugation. I personally,
would much rather work from the bodies of females than males for purely
aesthetic reasons: the female form is generally softer and smoother than the
male, often lending a dynamic to a piece that would be completely different were
the subject male. I don�t deny that, in the past, women were treated as less
than they were, and I feel that this is the molehill out of which Betterton�s
making her mountains. I feel that it�s important we keep the ideologies of the
period close at hand when considering the art. To her mentioning of the
portrayal of women in modern media, I feel this is naught but a self-subjugation,
being of free thought, will and expression, women have the ability to say �hey,
that�s crap� and move on with their lives. Why can�t they say the same for this
�repression� they see in art? It seems to me so much more energy efficient than
tilting at windmills.

* "...While I am quite clear that my pleasure in a female nude by Valadon [a female artist] is greater than in one by Renoir, I certainly cannot assume this to be true for all women. What makes the difference? Not socialization, but certain kinds of knowledge and experience, of which for me the most important is an awareness of feminist ideas."

Posted by drlynn at 01:54

30.10.2003

today's topics:

Theatre and Conversation and the Art of Conversation

In an effort to make my blog more interesting, and not just a play-by-play of my
life, I'm trying to discuss more topics, not just events. Bear with me, it might
be a little strange.

I really, really hate how theatres are underfunded throughout the country.
Specifically here, 'cuz that's what's bothering me the most right now. The shop
staff and I have spent the past week battling old, disfunctional equipment when
we should be focusing and cueing. I look around at the other departments and see
newish, nice, functional equipment. Why is it unacceptable for everyone else to
learn their art (and yes, I would say that science is an art) on out-of-date
tools when it's just fine for us? This outrages me. The majority of the
instruments that we use are over 25 years old. TWENTY-FIVE. There is practically
NOTHING LIKE THEM left in the professional world. I can understand needing to
developing coping skills yadayadayada, but PLEASE. How can you find it prefectly
acceptable to pay money to watch movies and go to the theatre, but you don't
think it's "appropriate" to spend money to educate the people whose products you
so enjoy? I'm really disappointed in Knox as an institution for letting this
situation get so bad. I could ramble a lot more, but you probably don't want to
hear it. That said, if you do want to hear it, just ask me about it
sometime, especially in the next week or so, then you'll get it GOOD.

You know, one of the things I miss most about living with K, and IMSA in general
really, is the good conversation. That's not to say that I don't find that kind
of thing at Knox, but it really does seem to be in a lesser proportion than IMSA.
I suppose that's why I hang out with a lot more IMSA people than some "funny"
people would say is "healthy." Or Something. I mean, not to mention the fact
that I already knew them, which doesn't hurt, I know how to talk to them.
I'm not worried about what they might think and more often than not, we wind up
sitting in the library 'til midnight talking and enjoying each other's company.
So little of that seems to happen around here. I can't help but wonder if it has
something to do with the fact that, for a lot of people here, such an emmersed
academic environment is completely new to them. They busy exploring other
aspects of their newfound freedom. I think that's why I get along with L as well
I as I do. She can have fun AND be smart. (Just not necessairly at the same
time ;P) I miss conversation. A lot. I miss connecting to people the way that I
used to. Chatting over meals in the caf in the middle of a huge group may be
"social" (and the closest thing that I get to "social") nowadays, but it's just
not the same. We should do more "sleep-overs" like we did last year. I miss that
too. Especially the "pants-less" part. heeheehee

I just noticed that Knox Theatre has me using the "re" spelling now. Damn. I
apologize for the ramblingness and excessive "quotation marks" - if you expected
high prose, this is NOT the place to be. :P

On that note, I'm going to go read other people's blogs now and then see if I
can see the aurora boreilas (I don't have to know how it's spelled to see it!)
I'm really really jealous of you, H. *changes desktop to href="http://www.digitalblasphemy.com/dbgallery/1/skysong2.shtml">"Song of the
Sky"*

"I love you. I love you. You're an angel. I love you." *walking on air*

Posted by drlynn at 00:43 | Comments (2)

23.10.2003

Knox for Dean

So I had a good idea tonight, and like many a good idea, it could potentially
mean a lot of work (but a good reward in the end!) I've been doing a lot of
thinking about American politics lately, and more than anything else, it really
bothers me how many people don't vote. Only about 30% of Americans vote and even
few youger people do. It takes maybe an hour of your year and can make SUCH a
difference. ANYWAY it kinda came to a head tonight as I was sitting at the Knox
for Dean meeting. It seem to me that a lot of people, teens especially, don't
vote because the don't know how to get registered and how to vote by absentee
ballot (in the case of college students away from home etc.) It also seems that
a lot of people don't vote because they don't know for whom they want to vote.
So it seems that the logical thing to do is hold some information sessions. I
suggested the idea of having an evening with someone from the county on hand to
register voters here, an information session about how to vote by absentee
ballots (before the registration in case they can't absentee it in their state)
and then hold a forum to inform people about the canidates.

The last bit is by far the trickiest, but I would think, the most important. I
finally landed on the idea of having the different political organizations on
campus present their canidate of choice. The format would have to be something
like "5-10 minutes" and "no talking about other canidates" to encourage
straight-foward policy discussion, and try to discourage opponent-bashing.

To do this is obviously going to take a lot of planning, and I'd like it to
happen before the primaries in March. This means that it will have to happen end
of Janurary/beginning of September. A few people vollunteered to help this
evening, which is GREAT. What I'm doing right now is looking into voter
registration programmes like "Rock the Vote" etc to see what other people are
doing. We'll need to talk to the other political organizations on campus to
enlist their help, get the information gathered about getting absentees
registered and contact the county about getting voters locally registered. I
would also like to talk to student life and maybe union board to get thier
backing. A pipe dream would be to open this up to the local community at large
and get the citizens voting too. I mean, in the end, I don't care who you vote
for, as long as you vote.

If any of you guys have any brillant ideas or want to help out in any way,
please tell me. I fear that rep term is going to eat me, so we're going to need
all the help we can get.

Posted by drlynn at 23:31

14.09.2003

argH

Why won't he email me????

Posted by drlynn at 11:51

11.09.2003

Long Day

(I've loaned out the keyboard and mouse for a while, so please pardon any typos...)

I just finished reading Tom Stoppard's Arcadia and I like it a lot. I'm going to have to be sure to read it again when I'm not so pressed for time and can really concentrate on it. I'm particularly fond of the following passage:

Hannah: What are you doing? Valentine?
Valentine: The set of points on a complex plane made by --
Hannah:Is it the grouse?
Valentine: Oh, the grouse. The damned grouse.
Hannah: You mustn't give up.
Valentine: Why? Don't you agree with Benard?
Hannah: Oh, that. It's all trivial -- your grouse, my hermit, Benard's Byron. Comparing what we're looking for misses the point. It's wanting to know that makes us matter. Otherwise we're going out the way we came in. That's why you can't believe in the afterlife, Valentine. Believe in the after, by all means, but not the life. Believe in God, the soul, the sprit, the infinate, believe in the angels if you like, but not in the great celestial get-together for an exchange of views. If the answers are in the back of the book I can wait, but what drag. Better to struggle on knowing the failure is final.

Now I need to finish A Man For All Seasons ; it's been sitting on my proverbial nightstand for about three weeks now. Tonight's as good a night as any.

It's come to my attention that Knox can/will give CS credit for learning programming languages. Even more reason to start learning Perl/Python. Not this term, though. After discussing it with Betsy, we might do it in the spring. Could be fun. Should be fun. It's about time I got off my ass and learned something useful.

Posted by drlynn at 22:05